


Lola

by nielfoelding



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Crossdressing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-04-06
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:53:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nielfoelding/pseuds/nielfoelding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard wants to make a girl jealous, so Vince comes up with a genius plan involving lacy underwear, lipstick and the Kinks!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lola

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmmmm okay so this is the first fic i've ever written for the boosh universe so leave me lots of comments or i'll rip your kidneys out!
> 
> Basically inspired by the song Lola by The Kinks, so if you haven't listened to it you totally should because it's a brilliant song by a brilliant band!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Pencil Case Girl’s dating again already!”

Vince raised an eyebrow as Howard paraded into the flat, arms flailing and cheeks flushed slightly, showing just the tip of his inner turmoil.  It wasn’t an unusual sight, y’know, seeing Howard all hyped up about nothing, but on this particular occasion his blood appeared to be simmering away at just a few degrees higher than usual, and Vince certainly wouldn’t be surprised if that actually was steam that appeared to be escaping from his ears.

“And?”

“ _And_?”

“Well, I mean, what’s your point?”

Howard’s face made a sudden seep from a contortion of frustration to an open gaping hole of shock, like he could just suction in the whole room like a hoover.

“What’s my _point?_ My point is, little man, that after no longer than two brief weeks of parting our ways, the beautiful and graceful Pencil Case Girl has already snatched up another man, showing no signal of heartbreak or sorrow over yours truly…”

Howard’s statement was met by the roll of an eye.

“No wonder, you tit, it was a bloody one night stand, not a lifelong marriage!”

If his mouth could have gotten any wider, Vince was sure he would have been sucked into the elder man’s mouth and be given a slightly-too-close for comfort view of his tonsils. 

“That’s where you’re wrong, sonny-jim!  You see, I’m Howard Moon, and Howard Moon doesn’t do one night stands.  No, my friend, Howard Moon does brief encounters, sharing the beauty of an established relationship in a couple of quick kisses and jazz LPs.  Not one night stands, no sir!  Something far more graceful than…”

Vince drifted off at this point.  He couldn’t help but let his mind draft back in time a few weeks, to the night of the party, to the Time On The Roof, to the bouncy castle…

He wondered if Howard had shagged Pencil Case Girl.  He’d never confirmed one way or another, but then again, Howard really wasn’t the sort of man to kiss and tell…

“How do you know she’s dating anyway?”

Howard is cut off mid-flow, or mid-ramble, whichever way you want to look at it.  His face ruffles, his moustache twitching slightly as he nibbles his lip.

“Jesus, ‘Oward!  You’ve not been stalking her have you?  What did I tell you about following people around, huh?  You can’t just do that- it freaks people out, y’know?”

Howard sulked down into his turtle neck.

“Plus, I’m not covering up for you next time the cops show up at our door, like seriously, I nearly got my head kicked in last time just because you were prancing about after some girl with binoculars and-“

“Hey, quiet down!  I get your point!  But what am I going to do _now_ though?  I can’t just let her go off with some other man!  I can’t let her just _forget_ me, no sir!  I can’t-”

“Alright, alright!  Keep your knickers on!  I think, Howard, I might just have a plan!”

* * *

 

“So, it’s definitely tonight she’s going on that date, innit?”

Howard had been locked outside of the bedroom he shared with Vince for the last two hours now, and was beginning to grow tiresome.  “Top secret business”, Vince had cooed with a wink of his eye, swiftly before disappearing behind the bedroom door into a haze of hairspray and deodorant. 

“Yup.  Meeting him at nine at that bar down the road…”

He didn’t get a reply.  Instead, between the spurts of what could only be perfume, Vince began to hum, the melody of his voice twisting out from underneath the door and snaking through the silence.

“I met her in a club down in old Soho, where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola…”

Howard raised an eyebrow and placed his ear against the door.  That wasn’t him singing now, was it?  The Kinks?  He did like his voice, though.  There was something strong about it, something kind of powerful, a bit new-romantic, even though it wasn’t always perfectly in tune. 

“C-O-L-A, _cola!”_

And the next thing he knew, Howard was sent flying back as the bedroom door was fired open in a sudden burst.

“What you doing down on the floor, you twat?”

Howard’s jaw dropped right off and rolled across the floor at what he saw- there was Vince, standing tall and proud, hips hugged tightly by a skimpy black dress.

“V-Vince?”

Vince licked his lips- precision painted scarlet- and pouted at the man at his feet.

“Not tonight, I’m not!  I want you to call me Lola from now on, until I say so, okay?”

Howard nodded as he let his eyes wander from the pointy tip of Lola’s silver boots, up her legs- glazed in black lace trimmed stockings, showing just the smallest slice of leg hair where the elastic dug into her thigh- to her perky little arse, her flat chest, all the way till he met her eyes.  And Jesus Christ, those _eyes!_ Lined in black eye shadow and heavy mascara, Howard could have got lost in them.  Piercing blue like antifreeze, they melted right through to his core, left him sticky like warm Nutella.

“S-So, what’s this all about then, L-Lola?”

Lola licked her bottom lip and took it between her teeth, tugging slightly on the flesh.  Fucking _sultry._

“Isn’t it obvious ‘oward?  We’re gonna go make that stupid Pencil Case Girl jealous, aren’t we?  She won’t be able to keep her eyes off you when she sees you enter the bar with a pretty little girl like me, will she?”

Howard wrinkled his nose as he eyed his friend up and down.  If he was going to choose a word to describe Lola, ‘pretty’ would probably be the last one on his list.  If it wasn’t only because of the sideburns that still marked his face or the blatantly obvious lack of cleavage, it was simply because it didn’t capture the real essence of Lola.  ‘Pretty’ tasted of Turkish Delight and the sugar powder that got left at the bottom of a bag of Jelly Tots; ‘Lola’ tasted like pomegranate vodka shots and the bitter tang left in your mouth after a night on the town.

“So you ready to go get your girl?”

Howard wasn’t sure which girl he wanted any more.

 

* * *

 

The bar was packed when they got there, air stagnant with the scent of stale beer and alco-pops, tendrils of pungent smoke twisting through the air.  Howard had always liked this part of town: it wasn’t quite as musky as the pubs he liked to go to, but still far from the glamour and showbiz that captured Vince’s interest.  No, this was their happy medium, and usually where they ended up on nights out together.

He wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be symbolic, that it was the very same bar that Pencil Case Girl had enticed Lola and him to that very evening.

But yeah, that reminded him…

He was supposed to be looking out for Pencil Case Girl, wasn’t he?  And that _was_ going to be a bit difficult considering the crowded state of the room.  So crowded in fact, that he was shovelled in right by the bar, Lola literally glued to his side.  Not that he was complaining.  He liked the sharp sting of her perfume on his nostrils, almost relished the scratch of her fur coat (“to hide the lack of tits” she had winked as they’d left their flat) against his skin.  Perhaps he even preferred it to say, having his own personal space.

Oh yeah, where was he?  Looking for Pencil Case Girl, wasn’t he?

It was easy to get distracted though, with drinks- whiskey for him, vodka and lemonade for Lola- slipping down their throats with such ease.  The conversation was easy too.  It was different from being out with Vince- not better exactly, but Lola seemed to flow through conversation elegantly, unlike Vince, who zipped and bounced from one subject to another.  It was strange how simply putting on a dress and changing how he wore his makeup a little changed Vince’s, not so much personality, but mental stability.

 “Hey, ‘oward!  There’s your girl over there!”

And Lola was right.  There she was, just like she had been the last time.  She still wore her hair the same, Howard noted, but he wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t changed all that much in a fortnight.

And there was that guy, buying her a drink as she cooed at him, drooling over his every word. 

But for some reason, it didn’t bother him.  Not as much as he thought it would have, at least. 

Because, he wasn’t sure if he wanted the jazzy Pencil Case Girl, or the trad-goth sensation to his side.

“Go on, try and get her attention then!  I didn’t come out here in a dress and fuckin’ stockings for nuffin’, y’know?”

Howard couldn’t help but smile.  Even through her pretty lipstick, her accent was as strong as ever, growling away in her throat like a stray cat.  Cockney through and through, she was.

“What you grinning at?”

“Oh, nothing…”

“Well, go make her jealous then!  Let’s move a bit closer or something, will we?”

“I don’t know about this Vi- I mean, Lola…”

Lola tutted and shook her head a little, a slight smirk brewing at the corner of her lips.

“Wait here a minute, I’ll be back in two ticks…”

Howard watched in awe as Lola strutted to the other side of the room, stopping only once she reached the jukebox that sat by the wall like a long forgotten tribute to the ‘good old days’.  Bending down a little to get a better look at the screen, she ran her index finger down the list of songs, nose basically pressed against the glass, shaking her hips slightly to the beat of the music that twiddled somewhere in the background of clanking glasses and mindless chatter.   Then, presumably as she found a song that was to her liking, she pulled that big fucking cheesy grin of hers, popped in a couple of coins and dialled in the code for her song.

Lola turned round, back combed hair and fringe flipping slightly out of place as the plucking of an acoustic guitar filled up the belly of the room.  Her eyes meeting Howard’s, she began to strut towards him, hips swaying like there was no one else in the room.  But of course, they both knew there _were_ others in the room, one girl in particular.  That animalistic glare that refused to be broken between them, that was all just part of the plan, right?

_I met her in a club down in old Soho, where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola, C-O-L-A, cola!_

Lola replaced the drink in Howard’s hand with her palm, pulling him away from the bar into the space in the centre of the room left for dancing. 

_She walked up to me and she asked me to dance, I asked her her name and in her dark brown voice she said Lola…_

Lola wrapped her fingers around Howard’s shoulders and pulled him close as she began to twist and writhe her body to the beat of the music, eyes heavy upon that of her partner’s.  Her lips moulded round the lyrics to the song, mouthing them smooth like butter, never once breaking eye contact, except of course from when Howard glanced around to check if anyone one was watching them.  Nobody was.  Not even Pencil Case Girl, not that he was particularly bothered any more.

He had another girl to keep him occupied.

It felt easy when he leant down to kiss Lola, not at all like he was snogging his best mate in drag.  And it wasn’t like the Time On The Roof either.  That kiss had been unplanned, awkward, almost shocking; this kiss however didn’t feel abnormal at all.  It was like it was just supposed to happen, like it was just the natural course of events, and however much Howard refused to believe in it, the only concept he could bring together to explain it was fate.

Howard wrapped his hand around Lola’s waist, tracing the curve of her hip with his thumb as she reached her hand up into his hair and dragged him in closer, deeper.  What had started as slow, hesitant pecks with only a subtle slice of tongue was slowly transforming into something stronger, more zealous.  Something with a bit of passion.

_Well we drank champagne and danced all night under electric candle light…_

In a flurry of broken breaths they pulled away, left with nothing to say for a moment as they watched each other panic for words in return.  Lola could only think of one.

 “Taxi?”

“Yeah…  Taxi.”

* * *

 

 

Everything after that is a a flash of taxi cabs and fondling hands and stiff leather wallets and cobbled steps and slobbery lips and the fumbling of keys and shuddering breaths and clothes and stumbling and kissing and groping and-

And then it all stops.  Time freezes for a moment.  Everything goes kind of silent; kind of still.  All there is is the gentle pant of Lola’s breath as she lies on the bed, straddled by Howard, in nothing but her little lace panties and matching stockings.  It’s kind of eerie, kind of surreal, just kneeling over her, watching the rise and fall of her chest, eyes glistening and cheeks flushed.  All Howard can do is wonder how the hell he ended up in this situation.

“You- Lola, I don’t even know what to say…”

“Well, you can start by not calling me Lola!”

“I thought you wanted me to call you that?”

“Mehh, changed my mind.”  Vince reaches his hand up into Howard’s hair, pulling him down into another kiss, wrapping his legs round his waist like he couldn’t even dream of letting go.

And suddenly everything speeds up again, back into real time.  The brush of lips against his neck.  A flash of teeth.  And before he knows it, Howard himself is on his back, the younger man ( _man, yes, a man_ he has to keep reminding himself) now peering over him, all hungry eyes and drooling lips.  The heat building up between them is growing agonizingly ridiculous.

“Wanna suck you off.  Wanna make you come so hard you see fuckin’ stars.  Is that okay?”

And what can Howard say to that?  There isn’t an atom of his being against this plan, so he nods hurriedly as Vince peels off his last piece of clothing- his underwear- before licking a stripe across his now exposed hip, biting a little on the chub that collects there.

It was odd, lying there completely naked as his best friend of many years placed kisses and tiny kitten licks across his crotch region- making sure, of course, he missed that one necessary area.  It wasn’t uncomfortable, not exactly, just different, not really unpleasant.  Sort of nice, in a way, even with the sex aside.  This was new and they were closer, even more personal, than they had ever been before.

And then Howard’s thoughts were interrupted as Vince took the head of his dick into his mouth.

Howard throws his head back in surprise, a sudden, and what he can’t imagine to be very seductive, grunt escaping his lips as Vince begins to inch his way down Howard’s dick, so slowly it’s painful.  His eyes are huge with fake innocence, never breaking contact with Howard’s own.  He knows exactly what he’s doing- bringing his hand up to wrap around the base, all slurpy and swirling tongue and sucking _just_ enough.  He can feel the tip press against the back of his throat and it’s all too much, but at the same time not enough.  Lipstick smears across his face and down Howard’s cock with all the drool.

_Way better that any pretty little girl lips._

“Oh- Fuck you Vince, I think I’m gonna come!”

Vince responds with a little “Hmm?” noise around Howard’s dick, the vibrations driving him crazy and with a loud shout of his name, pushes him over the edge.  Vince grimaces slightly, but doesn’t flinch away, swallowing before pulling away, wiping his lips against the back of his hand with that cheeky smirk of his.

“Fuck, I forgot how bad that tasted!  Worth it for seeing your cum face though, right?”

Howard blushes as he tries to position himself a little more modestly- not completely splayed out, balls and all on show- and signals coyly to Vince’s chin where a sticky trail of white is still dribbling down.

“What?  What is it ‘Oward?  Oh, I have spunk on my face still, don’t I?  You can talk you do know, you don’t have to take a bloody oath of silence just because I gave you a blowie, y’know?”

“Um, yeah, I know that…  What just happened though?”

Vince’s confidence suddenly flickers out, like someone blowing out a candle or stamping on a cigarette with their boot.  He smoulders down to the ashes of a scared little child.

“What- what d’you mean?  Was it alright?  Are- are you alright?”

Howard twitches a little, staring Vince right in the eyes, those big fucking boosh-baby eyes.

Vince looks vulnerable, and Howard can’t allow that.

“Of course it was alright, in fact, it was far beyond the realms of alright!  It was epic, monumental, I might even stretch to say immense!  And by God, sir!  I don’t think I’ve ever been better!”

Vince automatically perks up, a little grin inching across his lips- subtle, yet secure.  He leans over a little, places a hesitant kiss on Howard’s lips before it is accepted by an opening of his mouth.  And then it’s just like that for a minute- Vince and Howard and simple adolescent snogging.

“Hmmm…  So, y’know, since I’m still up and ready to go, can we move this a bit down south?”

Howard suddenly grows flustered again, losing the brief persona of calm he had adopted in order to comfort Vince.  Now he’s like a rabbit in the headlights.

“I…  I guess so…  But- but I’ve never done… y’know… it before, so I might not be all too good…”

“No, actually, I have a better idea…  How long d’you think it’ll take you to get hard again?  Pretty quick, yeah?  Right…”

That was the brilliant thing about Vince- he was so beautifully honest, so straight to the point, right down deep to the core of his question.  There was no beating-around-the-bush with him, no, not at all.  And with Howard being as socially awkward and diffident as he was, he really needed someone like that.  A polar opposite.  Someone that was so gorgeously brash and self-assured that he could possibly squeeze a little confidence out of himself.  They were like two pieces of a puzzle- of this, Howard had always been sure- but it was only now, naked and exposed, that he realised just how badly he needed Vince.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

Vince pushes Howard back onto the mattress, beginning to crawl up over him, placing kisses along his clavicle, licking long, smooth stripes down his torso, taking his nipple into his mouth, nibbling lightly and producing a sudden gasp. 

“I’m putting on a show for you, ain’t I?  That’s what a good little girl does, right?”

His eyelashes flicker like goddamn butterfly wings framing his eyes, all big and cute and just sucking up to him like he knows he can.

Leaving him speechless.

“Here, why don’t I do a little striptease for you, yeah?  Show off my pretty little body, right?  C’mon ‘oward, you know you want me to!”

Howard nods.  Once.  Twice.  Three times.  He feels his cock twitch ( _already?_ ) as Vince crawls across the bed, bending over and exposing his ass through his lacy little undies.  He perches on the end of the beg, side on, swinging on leg up and positioning his foot on the other knee.

“Now, you look here, keep your eyes on me…”

He’s gone back into Lola-mode.  Howard can tell.  His voice is all smooth and silky, still grasping onto that old London twang, but a little subtler, a little more seductive.  His movements are calculated, full of precision and designed to make him look fabulous, flawless. 

For example, he begins to peel the stocking from his leg- so slow, so smooth- just like he was some burlesque girl.  He pulls it and stretches it off the end of his toe -pointed- before discarding it on the floor with the remainder of his clothing.

(Before long the second stocking was off, but this time with a little more difficulty.  He’d try to remove it while standing up, bent over a little, wriggling his ass, but had ended up tripping up and landing on the floor, much to Howard’s amusement.)

Next he’s crawling back up to Howard’s side, reaching his hand down to grasp around Howard’s half-hard cock, giving it a quick stroke.  He nibbles onto his lip a little, let’s his tongue escape to lick swiftly across his scarlet-tinged lips. 

“Don’t you think”, he purrs as he nibbles at Howard’s earlobe, “it’s a little unfair that I’m the one who’s doing all the touching?”  He licks across his jawline.  “I mean, you’re irresistible ‘n ‘at, but isn’t it about time we put those big ol’ northern paws to good use?”

Howard lets out a whine at the thought.

And as Howard reached down to palm Vince through his undies- his cock so hard and flushed that head poked up over the waistband, the lacy fabric moist with pre-come- he realises something.  This was the first time that he had really touched someone in a sexual manner before.  As Vince groaned and bucked his hips into the touch, he realised that the first time he had gave anyone else pleasure before.  Even with Pencil Case Girl, she had given him head, but he hadn’t touched her.  Not really.  Even as her lips were wrapped round his cock he’d just sat there awkwardly, hands twisting by his side.  He’d been too nervous to come anyway.  Ended up having to jack himself off, all embarrassed and uncomfortable.  She’d left not long afterwards, picking up the little clothes that had actually been discarded off her body.

But this was different.  So very, very different.

Vince tugged the undies down a little, just enough that his dick could pop free, encouraging Howard on.

 “Hmmm, _that’s_ it”, he muses as Howard wraps his hand around, beginning to gently pump his fist up and down, “Want me to go grab some lube?  Want to fuck me?”

Yet again, Howard is speechless.

So Vince takes it as a yes.

He disappears for a moment, submerging himself under the bed to rummage through the endless mass of God-knows-what that clutters the floor.  Platform boots and porn mags, most likely.  He resurfaces a couple of seconds later with a little bottle of lube.

“Don’t need a johnny, do we?  I’m clean if you are, y’know?”

Howard makes a sort of ‘hmehh’ noise in agreement, which causes Vince to giggle. 

“Right now, gimme your hand.  I know, I know, don’t squirm away- I’ll show you what to do; it’s easy!  I’ll ride you and everything; you can just sit back and relax, yeah?  I just want you to help me with this bit, alright?”

Howard nods in agreement.  Nervous would be an understatement.

Vince takes his hand in his as he pulls his undies down completely, the lace pooling around his ankles before he tosses them to the side, leaving him now just as vulnerable and exposed as his partner.  Howard lets himself have a second just to take it all in- it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Vince naked before (he’d even walked in on him having a wank once) but this was very different indeed.  He was gorgeous.  That was the only way to put it.  And hopefully, he was his.

“Right, now open your palm for me, hmm ‘oward?”

A vigorous helping of lube is squirted out into Howard’s hand before Vince guides it to his arse.  There’s a moment of awkward fumbling, nobody quite sure where to place their hands, but when Howard pushes one finger in, teasing the muscle a little, Vince lets out a little contented _ahh_ noise, and they both begin to gain some confidence.

A couple of minutes and three slick fingers later, Howard lying on his back again, Vince straddling his thighs and slicking up his dick.  He positions himself so the tip of Howard’s cock is just teasing against his hole and slowly but surely begins to push down.

“Oh- Fuck!”

Howard’s mind completely _melts_ as Vince lowers himself onto him.  So fucking tight.  So fucking _hot._ His mind is nearly melting away; it’s just so overwhelming.  He places his hands on Vince’s hips, trying to steady him as he allows himself to adjust to having Howard inside him.

“ _Jesus ‘oward!_ You feel so bloody big!”

Vince bites onto his lip and begins to wiggle hips a little, the movements gradually becoming more profound until he is eventually sliding up and down on Howard’s length, panting and swearing like he’s on fire.  His hair is sweat coated and stuck to his forehead, makeup running and undoubtedly gorgeous.  A beautiful, sexy mess, Howard thinks to himself as he begins to thrust upwards, gasps and curses spilling from his own lips.  Vince leans down, smothering his neck and jaw bone in kisses before grasping onto the headboard, using it to steady his rhythm and get a bit more control over his hips.

“Oh my _God!_  I’m going to feel you for days!  _Fuck!_ Yeah, that’s it, right _there!”_

He’s clearly hit his prostate dead on so, with a blush of pride, Howard continues to thrust up at that angle, Vince still riding him like a goddamn slut.  He’s such an exhibitionist.  He’s making little girly porno noises now- little gasps and pants _fuck yeahs_ that Howard would have considered fake if he couldn’t see how bloody _hard_ he was.  As if on cue, Vince reaches down for Howard’s hand, and forces it around his shaft, guiding it up and down in time with their hips.

A couple of thrusts later and Vince is gone, screaming Howard’s name as he comes all over their bellies.  Howard follows not long behind.  He always thought it was a bit ridiculous, the whole idea of coming together- something that only happened in cheap, crappy porn- but now, as he feels Vince tighten and spasm around him, sending waves of heat to run through his body, causing him to tremble from head to toe, he disagrees with his previous opinion.

Vince collapses on top of him and they lie there for a moment until their breathing settles and Vince pulls of, rearranging himself so he can lie by Howard’s side.  They don’t speak for a while.

“So…” Howard is the one to break the silence for a change.  He doesn’t have an excuse to be awkward, not any more.  “That was pretty good, wasn’t it?  At least it was for me, I can’t speak for you, but…”

“No, it was brilliant.  About time we did that, innit?”

Howard nods, giggles a little, as he reaches his arm out to pull Vince closer into his side.  Vince snuggles in, closing his eyes with a content little sigh as he leans his pointy little chin on Howard’s chest.

“Well I’m not the world’s most passionate guy, but when I looked in her eyes, well I almost fell for my Lola.”

Vince kisses the Howard’s chest, right in the centre where a little patch chest hair has gathered.  He seems solemn for a moment.

“That’s the thing though…  What if you only like me like this?  What if you only like Lola?”

Howard pets Vince’s head, places a kiss on his cheek.

“You don’t need to worry, as lovely as Lola is, I like you too, little man.  In fact, I might just love you.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
